Attention All Southerners

Being born and raised in the South, I have to get a few things off my chest.

First and foremost, To everyone in New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, or anywhere in the Northeast, get over yourselves. We get it. Everyone in the South is a cousin fucker with an IQ lower than that of room temperature. At least we're smart enough to stay here and not move to your part of the country, plant a Confederate flag in the front yard, and piss and moan about how everything was better down South. Go back to New Wherever and choke on a hot dog at Yankee Stadium.

Secondly, since I just mentioned baseball, I have to share my disgust with this waste of time being known as the national pastime. Why would a country that was founded on blood and sweat take so much pride in a sport played by people who are too frightened to play in the rain? Baseball is for bitches, and it's fucking un-American. I played hockey until my knees gave out, and you don't need to point out that hockey is a Canadian sport. Even Canada, as worthless as it is, is responsible for one good thing, and don't say "but what about free healthcare?" because free healthcare is a fucking myth. The point is, we played hockey in the blazing sun, pouring rain, snow, and everything in between. We bled. Hell some of us lost our baby teeth on the concrete rink. All with absolutely no fear of getting our clothes dirty if it rained.

And if you don't like hockey, try football. Ever see a football game get rained out? Check out ESPN every once in awhile for their list of the ten most dangerous football games, in which these guys played in blizzards and hurricanes. There's just as much danger of getting electrocuted on a football field as there is on a baseball diamond.

If you want a much better view on baseball, go hear what George Carlin had to say about it, but if you're too lazy, I'll condense it for you: BASEBALL IS FOR WHINY BITCHES. End of story.

Finally, country music. While ripping CDs and putting downloaded albums into my Zune (Yeah, I'm a high tech redneck), musicians like Shooter Jennings, Reckless Kelly, Cross Canadian Ragweed, Micky & the Motorcars, Handsome Family, and Hank Williams III were all classified as "alt country." What the fuck is alt country? I'm sick and goddamn tired of bullshit pop acts using Mexican-made guitars and Japanese drum machines to play songs written by the same assholes who write for Britney Spears winding up in the top ten on the country charts.

IT AINT COUNTRY. Since when did writing your own songs, working hard to play an instrument (if you think country is easy to play, give chicken-pickin a try, or sit in front of a pedal steel guitar and see how good you really are) and making your music known through relentless touring make a band alternative? This bothers me, because the bands I mentioned are going the way of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, George Jones, David Allen Coe, etc. What is Johnny Cash considered? Is he now an alternative to this top 40 twangy pop bullshit?

III is right - the Grand Ole Opry aint so grand anymore.

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Now playing: Reckless Kelly - Seven Nights In Eire
via FoxyTunes