The one where I taze you, bro.

I'm sick and goddamn tired of everyone making a huge deal about that dumb shit who got tazed at University of Florida. You know why? Because he fucked things up.

I know John Kerry is a dirtbag and I'd like to think you know it too, but I think you're too dumb, or just too stubborn to admit it.

That jackass was asking legitimate questions the deserved answers, and Kerry was being an asshole himself and bullshitting his way out of answering, and instead of quietly sitting down, he got himself shocked, and he deserved it; if not for his unnecessary disturbance, then for being a fucking moron.

I'll be the first to say that if being an obnoxious jackass was an offense punishable by taser I would have been stunned so many times my ass would blast lightning every time I farted. But he did more than be an obnoxious jackass. If he just sat down, everyone would have wondered why John Kerry didn't just answer the goddamn questions, proving once and for all that Kerry is a ketchup-sucking scumbag who doesn't deserve anything he has.

I was part of a discussion with a few people today over why Bush is a good/shitty president and what would have happened if Kerry had won, and my stance remains the same: You assholes should have voted for me. Granted, I wasn't on the ballot and none of you even know who the hell I am anyway but I would do what needs to be done.

One person said that Bush did a good job with Iraq because we need to play mind games with the world; I agree, to a point. Another said Kerry would have scared our enemies shitless because he already scares most Americans.

Here's my thoughts, and if you keep reading this crap you must want to know what I'm thinking: Bush didn't need to invade/occupy Iraq and John Kerry is too much of a shitstain to do anything to another country, threatening or not.

Everyone will tell you that the news is untrue, to go to "real sites" to find the truth, which is that Bush sucks, that he's getting paid in ways no one can imagine for this, and so on.

Well the truth is, and this is what troops fresh from the Middle East have said: They want to slit your throat for having blue eyes. That's not the racist scumbags talking, either, and they aren't just referring to the extremists or the zealots.

They've all said the same thing: That they're doing a good thing for the people there, but that they're doing it the wrong way. I agree with my friend who said that Bush is doing the right thing by attacking Iraq to play a mind game with everyone who would fuck with us, but rather than sending troops there to occupy and fix whatever problems that will resurface as soon as American troops leave, the goddamn place should have been carpet-bombed.

Don't nuke it. We need the oil. Carpet bomb it and wipe every motherfucker out. Then we have a parking lot, oil, and the heat would turn some of the sand into glass which we can use to repair homes of Katrina victims. You think that wouldn't fuck with everyone else? Psychological warfare is great and all that, but if you go read up on the Cold War all you'll find out is that both countries lived in fear for awhile before learning that nothing would happen. Occupying a country isn't a way to fuck with anyone else because they can just as easily do the same to us without us even knowing. That would do a lot more damage.

So how did I go from the "Don't tase me, bro!" guy to a political rant? Well, I'm not sure but here's my point: He sucks, Kerry sucks, Bush sucks, Hillary Clinton sucks, Bill Clinton sucks, Barak Obama sucks, anyone else running will suck, Iraq sucks, and you're either gonna love me or call me an unbelievable asshole for this post, and you suck either way.

Goodnight everybody!

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Now playing: Acid Bath - Dr. Seuss is Dead
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The one where everyone realizes The Sims is a load of shit.

In addition to cooking, which you might have read in my last post, I also love video games. I will pwn your ass at almost any game in the Mario series (Excluding the ones past Mario 64 because I still can't get the hang of that goddamn N64 thumb stick). I know every move in the Street Fighter series, every Mortal Kombat fatality, how to kill the Weapons in Final Fantasy VII, and I think I know damn near every game which utilizes the Konami Code. I beat The Legend of Zelda before I could walk. Not really, but pat yourself on the back if you get that reference.

Granted, there are games I'll never play, some by circumstance, some by choice. One of the games that falls into the latter category is The Sims. I have a message for everyone who plays it:

GET A FUCKING LIFE.

This isn't anything against the younger folks who play it; you can't help it. You can't legally get a job or start a family without pulling way too many strings, so you can stop reading here and continue sitting with the wife you'll never meet in the hot tub you'll never own that sits on the porch you'll never build.

To the rest of you, particularly those who sit on your fat arses eating Doritos and jacking off, wondering why your dick is orange, whining about how you hate your bitch tits, while spending all your goddamn time playing a game where your character has to get a life: Kill yourself.

Why the fuck are you playing a game where you force your character to get a life, get a job, start a relationship, raise a family, and get a dog? Why don't you just tell your mom you'll be back in a little while so you can get all that started? Scared of sunlight? Have an anxiety disorder? Or are you the fucking Elephant Man? There must be some reason you're in your 30's and still playing life-simulator games.

The reason a lot of people play video games is because they want to do something they're unable to do. They want to play hockey, tear someone's head off, or steal a car and do a drive-by in a rich neighborhood. Some people play because it's fun to do something you could never, ever do in real life, like eat shrooms and stomp turtles or, well, steal a car and do a drive-by in a rich neighborhood.

I think I just figured you Sims fuckers out. You want to do something you could never do in real life, like have sex with someone other than yourself. Or leave your house.

The only advice I can offer is to stop spending hours trying to get the nude patches to work and go find a real human to interact with. Who knows, your new friend might even have a dog you can help to take care of.



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Now playing: Trivium - Master Of Puppets
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This one is for the drunks who keep this country running.

I cook and I love it. I spend 90 hours a week in a few different kitchens cooking, baking, and prepping, and I'll admit that sometimes it gets to me. Sometimes, it's the rich assholes I cook for who saw Hell's Kitchen the night before and want their plate to look exactly like the one on TV. Sometimes it's the stress of needing to make 500 assorted dinner rolls for a little league championship dinner. But it doesn't matter what the cause of stress is, or even if I have any at all. I drink. I love it. I'm not going to stop. I'm sure you can accuse me of being an alcoholic and for all I know, you might be right, but what you don't realize is that I enjoy being drunk, especially with someone I love. I also enjoy being drunk while I do something I love, whether it be playing guitar with a friend, writing, playing video games, or...cooking.

Maybe I'm addicted. Maybe I need a few of your twelve steps. Maybe I am powerless over alcohol and maybe your higher power can save me. Maybe I've been drinking since I was six years old and have been functioning since then with no problem whatsoever. I can hold a steady job, full-time education, and a perfect relationship together while drunk or sober. I can cook your food, to order, just like it was on Hell's Kitchen, in fifteen minutes, while drunk. Or sober.

I am not a bad person, whether I'm addicted or not. Maybe you're clean. Maybe you've never had a drop. Maybe you've even hopped on the wagon and you've been riding it for years. Do me a favor and tell your higher power to fuck itself.

And you can do the same.

We cook your food. We fix your computers. We unclog the toilets you overflow, and we clean the shit from your white tile floors. We babysit your kids and give them the attention you can't because you're too busy with the PTA, Boyscouts, or church.

I'm not saying "don't fuck with us" because I don't want to plagiarize Chuck Palahniuk, but think twice before you judge us, because chances are, you already owe us.

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Now playing: Dropkick Murphys - God Willing
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