The one where I rant about how KMFDM -really- sucks.

I have a confession: I downloaded the new Ministry album, The Last Sucker. I'm not proud, but then again I've never been able to wait for the street releases. I'm really sad to hear that Grandpa Al is retiring, for more that just the obvious reason. I can say this: If you're gonna go out, go out with a fuckin' bang, and Houses of the Molé, Rio Grande Blood, and The Last Sucker is definitely one helluva bang. Al Jourgensen is one of the few musicians who can express his political views in an album without pissing me off. Don't get me wrong; I do not support Bush. Hell, I don't even support any president who's been in office since I've been old enough to follow politics. And I don't even support any candidates. Fpr better or for worse Bush is getting shitcanned, if not by force, then by law. I can't really see anyone doing worse than that asshole (well, I think Barack Obama has the potential to be a Grade A, cold-hearted son of a bitch), so as far as I'm concerned it doesn't matter because while the troops will hopefully get to come home, we're still gonna be just as fucked on GBLT rights, abortion, and pretty much everything else that anyone who gives a shit supports.

But that's a rant for a later post. Back to my point: Not even Pearl Jam, one of my favorite bands, can wax political without annoying me. Al actually has valid points, as opposed to the typical "whoever is in office sucks and we're writing a rockin' song about it" formula. Not to mention the music is appropriate for any occasion. Even putting babies to sleep. No, really.

As I said, I've been guilty of downloading leaked albums for awhile, the most recent ones being from Black Label Society, Trivium, and Slayer, but going further back, WWIII by KMFDM, which brings me to the other reason I'm sorry to see Al retire.

It's obvious that Attak, WWIII, and Hau Ruck have been pathetic attempts to salvage what little pride Sascha has. I actually bought Attak shortly after the release date, and while I will admit I briefly liked it, I couldn't stand it the next day when I sobered up. Between Sascha slurping the record company's dick to push radio play, Lucia slurping Sascha's dick while trying to sing, Skold still not learning how to blow his nose, and Joolzy J and Steve White apparently forgetting that they weren't playing guitar for Pig, not even the Almighty Bill Rieflin could make me like this album after the novelty of yelling "Sturm und drang!" over and over wore off when the whiskey made me pass out.

And WWIII? I actually pre-ordered this big pile of horseshit. Let's just forget that the lyrics are of the whiny political variety. I could actually look past that if the music was somewhat listenable past the banjo intro to the opening track. I will admit, I'm a sucker for banjo. Sascha is using Lucia for head, Lucia is using Sascha to further what little career she'll ever have, and while Steve and Jules may have realized they're not playing for Pig this time, they don't seem to realize that they'll never be Geunter Schulz and En Esch, or even as good as they are.

By the time Hau Ruck came out, I learned to keep an empty, lined trash can when listening to new KMFDM material, in case I had to throw up. While I didn't throw up, I found myself unable to listen to it past the first minute of the first song. To this day that's as far into that album as I've listened.

Tohuvabohu has been leaked, and guess what. I don't feel the need to download it before it hits the stores. I've already heard reviews of this album. Not by critics, but by people who listen to music because they like it, not because they get paid for it. The review of the "fan song," as I heard it called, is enough to make me ill. They encouraged fans to call in with messages of how KMFDM affects them, and it's nothing but "OMG KMFDM KICKS ASS" and "thanks to KMFDM I don't cut myself anymore!"

Well if I had a self mutilation problem I can assure you that it would end with the release of this album. I would stop taking all my anger and depression out on myself and focus it at KMFDM.

So what does this have to do with Ministry's soon-to-be retirement? Because all of Sascha's competition will be gone. Yes, Revolting Cocks will probably still make music. I'm sure Al will always make music, even if it isn't as Ministry, but whatever he makes will not be as widely heard, no matter how good it is. This means that KMFDM can completely stop trying. Like I said, it's obvious that the last three albums have been excuses to keep Sascha in the money, and they've worked because diehard fans keep buying this shit. KMFDM fans are like Aerosmith fans; they have to know that the music isn't good and that they should have ended before the breakup ever happened, but they can't bring themselves to admit that whatever attempt Steven Tyler is making to keep his big lips on the cover of Rolling Stone should be packaged with anti-nausea medication.

It's no secret that Sascha doesn't like Ministry, despite the fact that one of KMFDM's first tours, if not the first tour, was with Ministry. I don't care how well you dislike someone as a person. I think that musicians can respect eachother on a professional level. With the exception of Eddie Vedder and Kurt Cobain, anyway. Everyone should hate Kurt Cobain.

But what about Skinny Puppy, one might argue, to which I would reply: Are you fucking high? Skinny Puppy hasn't made a good album since...well I guess that's a matter of opinion. But all but the most rabid of Skuppy fans (edit: no pun intended) have hated the last two albums.

Slick Idiot? I can only say I wish. Slick Idiot is doing what KMFDM should be doing, and not getting the recognition they deserve.

Bile? Once again, I wish, but they're doomed to be the opening act until their demise.

There is no saviour. With Ministry done, Sascha & co. will have no reason to try anymore. The forthcoming albums will be even worse, and yes, that's possible. I didn't think they could suck more than Attak until I heard WWIII. Trust me, it will only get worse from here on out from this point on.

Why does this bother me when all I have to do is not listen to it? Because I had a lot of good times listening to KMFDM. I still listen to Symbols and Nihil on a regular basis, and I even have a soft spot What Do You Know, Deutschland? It pains me to see something that made me so happy at one time turn to total shit.

So I'll close this by listing, in no particular order, ten reasons why Ministry is better than KMFDM:

o1. Ministry doesn't need to write lyrics repeating his own band's name. I'm not sure if Sascha does this because he knows KMFDM fans are stupid and might forget who they're listening to, or if he's smoked so much weed he needs a reminder himself, but it's annoying.

o2. Ministry never wrote a cute, tongue-in-cheek song that would ultimately be an ironic prediction of the band's current status. Let's face it, KMFDM, you really do suck, and not in the cute way.

o3. The band's current lineup doesn't affect how good the album is because Al can make consistently good music without relying on whoever he can get to do guest vocals and remixes.

o4. Al sobered up and still makes good music. There are very few bands who have done this successfully. Dave Mustaine did it. Ozzy did it. And Ministry did it. A lot of the bands I listened to as a teenager have cleaned up and made some of the worst music I've ever heard: Velvet Revolver, for example. I would love to see Sascha make an album without needing to smoke himself stupid first.

o5. Al still finds ways to make the "anarchy" symbol look cool. Take that, you fucking mall punks.

o6. Not only did he make one album about how much a president sucks, he made a trilogy, and they're all fucking good. Very few musicians can pull off a sequel album, unless you're Pink Floyd. Or, obviously Ministry.

o7. Ministry transitioned from cold wave to industrial metal flawlessly. KMFDM transitioned the industrial sub-genres with all the grace of an evening drive with Ted Kennedy.

o8. Ministry didn't need to studio-master the live album to make it sound good on CD. Sturm und Drang sounded like shit after it got mastered.

o9. Ministry has done songs with Gibby Hanes and Jello Biafra, just to name some, while making them just as good as the songs Al does on his own. It takes a guest appearance to make a KMFDM song really stand out among all the generic songs reminding us who we're listening to.

10. Al can concentrate on more than one band at a time. He's simultaneously made albums with Ministry, Lard, and RevCo and they've all been great, as opposed to Sascha only being able to do remixes between albums, and only to fund the next album. Not that he'll need to worry about that again because he's got label support now!

So long, coffin-stuffers! See you the next time I get angry.