Everyone should know how hard times are now. There are thousands of over-qualified people begging for jobs. College graduates who can't use their engineering degree are now working with teenagers in fast food joints. Mechanics are working at Wal-Mart. I'm a Culinary Arts major working in a corporate kitchen (one at the bottom of the barrel, if you know what I mean) because all the positions in the high-class restaurants were all full, so I get to use my degree by throwing pre-made country fried steaks in a deep fryer and flipping pancakes for drunks who want breakfast at 10:45 PM.
At this wonderfully greasy job, I work with a far-right "compassionate conservative." I also work with a lot of dish-washing Haitian people who don't speak much English. The Republican needed a bus tub, so rather than just asking for a bus tub, she tried to get their attention. First of all, she's never bothered to learn any of their names, so she tried tapping on the counter. Yeah, that works in an already-loud dish pit. She then began beating on the counter, cussing and yelling for "a goddamn bus tub" and the one closest to her, genuinely offended, gave her a bus tub. Sure, maybe they don't understand "hey, you fucking voodoo coon, get me a goddamn bus tub!" it was pretty obvious that she wasn't being friendly. She walked away saying "if you're gonna live in this country, learn to speak English!"
I lost it. "Fuck you! Did the pilgrims understand Navajo Indian, or Cherokee, or whatever, when they came over and started taking land? Did anyone speak Native when they gave them polio, raped the women, and forced them to shitty land? Did those Dutch motherfuckers speak African when they turned people into slaves? Hey, do you hate black people? I mean, people who shared your opinion brought them over here."
Her response? "Whatever. It's what I believe." Anyone who uses "whatever" as an argument is an idiot. You have no valid reasoning to back up the bullshit falling out of your mouth.
To anyone who believes this, I fucking dare you to work a day picking fruit, washing dishes, or weeding yards in 100 degree plus weather Then I challenge you to live a week in their countries. I'll be the first to say that I think a lot of minorities are milking it, (but hopefully you can tell I don't side with Nazis, either), but for fuck's sake, how can you say that they're taking your job? They're not working the grill, and you damn sure aren't washing dishes. They know the words that they need to know: Hot, bus tub, hose, behind you, plates, please, and thank you.
Oh, don't forget the fact that unless you're Native American, then you're an immigrant and English might not have been your grandparents' first language, and the only reason English is the predominant language and Christianity is the main religion is because it was forced upon people who were here long before we were.
Second: Having a Jesus tattoo, a nose ring, and a Bible while still bashing gay people and banning books from your "hardcore church" doesn't make you a cool Christian. It makes you a dick with a nose ring.
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Now playing: Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds - The Curse Of Millhaven
via FoxyTunes
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
For the yankees:
Okay, not all the yankees, just the ones that act like wiggers.
Wait, I'm not explaining myself right. Wiggers drive jacked up cars with overblown hydraulics and obnoxious rims while blasting Lil' John from a cheap Wal-Mart woofer while wearing gang colors and flashing signs that are meaningless to them. And if that's not enough, they try to cryp walk. Did I spell that right? I don't know. I'M NOT BLACK. Oh, my point: These kids are scared shitless of black people.
Much like these trendy jackholes from above the Mason/Dixon line find Southern culture "quaint," find our food "delish," and even buy those Goin' South compilations only losers and insomniacs see on TV at 5 in the morning. Oh and you adore the Southern aspect of True Blood. But when it comes to the real South? We're racist, gun-toting cousin fuckers that anyone with half a brain stays away from.
Allow me to give you some advice that's been passed down from the West Virginians in my family: Air freshener in the bathroom still smells like shit. Confused? Let me explain. You're shit. You go ahead and be whatever version of white you want to be, and leave the fried food and twin guitar solos to the pros. You're not gonna hear us talking about how freakin sweet a hard roll with buttah is, so we'd appreciate the same from you.
----------------
Now playing: Bad Religion - Los Angeles Is Burning
via FoxyTunes
Wait, I'm not explaining myself right. Wiggers drive jacked up cars with overblown hydraulics and obnoxious rims while blasting Lil' John from a cheap Wal-Mart woofer while wearing gang colors and flashing signs that are meaningless to them. And if that's not enough, they try to cryp walk. Did I spell that right? I don't know. I'M NOT BLACK. Oh, my point: These kids are scared shitless of black people.
Much like these trendy jackholes from above the Mason/Dixon line find Southern culture "quaint," find our food "delish," and even buy those Goin' South compilations only losers and insomniacs see on TV at 5 in the morning. Oh and you adore the Southern aspect of True Blood. But when it comes to the real South? We're racist, gun-toting cousin fuckers that anyone with half a brain stays away from.
Allow me to give you some advice that's been passed down from the West Virginians in my family: Air freshener in the bathroom still smells like shit. Confused? Let me explain. You're shit. You go ahead and be whatever version of white you want to be, and leave the fried food and twin guitar solos to the pros. You're not gonna hear us talking about how freakin sweet a hard roll with buttah is, so we'd appreciate the same from you.
----------------
Now playing: Bad Religion - Los Angeles Is Burning
via FoxyTunes
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Attention All Southerners
Being born and raised in the South, I have to get a few things off my chest.
First and foremost, To everyone in New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, or anywhere in the Northeast, get over yourselves. We get it. Everyone in the South is a cousin fucker with an IQ lower than that of room temperature. At least we're smart enough to stay here and not move to your part of the country, plant a Confederate flag in the front yard, and piss and moan about how everything was better down South. Go back to New Wherever and choke on a hot dog at Yankee Stadium.
Secondly, since I just mentioned baseball, I have to share my disgust with this waste of time being known as the national pastime. Why would a country that was founded on blood and sweat take so much pride in a sport played by people who are too frightened to play in the rain? Baseball is for bitches, and it's fucking un-American. I played hockey until my knees gave out, and you don't need to point out that hockey is a Canadian sport. Even Canada, as worthless as it is, is responsible for one good thing, and don't say "but what about free healthcare?" because free healthcare is a fucking myth. The point is, we played hockey in the blazing sun, pouring rain, snow, and everything in between. We bled. Hell some of us lost our baby teeth on the concrete rink. All with absolutely no fear of getting our clothes dirty if it rained.
And if you don't like hockey, try football. Ever see a football game get rained out? Check out ESPN every once in awhile for their list of the ten most dangerous football games, in which these guys played in blizzards and hurricanes. There's just as much danger of getting electrocuted on a football field as there is on a baseball diamond.
If you want a much better view on baseball, go hear what George Carlin had to say about it, but if you're too lazy, I'll condense it for you: BASEBALL IS FOR WHINY BITCHES. End of story.
Finally, country music. While ripping CDs and putting downloaded albums into my Zune (Yeah, I'm a high tech redneck), musicians like Shooter Jennings, Reckless Kelly, Cross Canadian Ragweed, Micky & the Motorcars, Handsome Family, and Hank Williams III were all classified as "alt country." What the fuck is alt country? I'm sick and goddamn tired of bullshit pop acts using Mexican-made guitars and Japanese drum machines to play songs written by the same assholes who write for Britney Spears winding up in the top ten on the country charts.
IT AINT COUNTRY. Since when did writing your own songs, working hard to play an instrument (if you think country is easy to play, give chicken-pickin a try, or sit in front of a pedal steel guitar and see how good you really are) and making your music known through relentless touring make a band alternative? This bothers me, because the bands I mentioned are going the way of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, George Jones, David Allen Coe, etc. What is Johnny Cash considered? Is he now an alternative to this top 40 twangy pop bullshit?
III is right - the Grand Ole Opry aint so grand anymore.
----------------
Now playing: Reckless Kelly - Seven Nights In Eire
via FoxyTunes
First and foremost, To everyone in New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, or anywhere in the Northeast, get over yourselves. We get it. Everyone in the South is a cousin fucker with an IQ lower than that of room temperature. At least we're smart enough to stay here and not move to your part of the country, plant a Confederate flag in the front yard, and piss and moan about how everything was better down South. Go back to New Wherever and choke on a hot dog at Yankee Stadium.
Secondly, since I just mentioned baseball, I have to share my disgust with this waste of time being known as the national pastime. Why would a country that was founded on blood and sweat take so much pride in a sport played by people who are too frightened to play in the rain? Baseball is for bitches, and it's fucking un-American. I played hockey until my knees gave out, and you don't need to point out that hockey is a Canadian sport. Even Canada, as worthless as it is, is responsible for one good thing, and don't say "but what about free healthcare?" because free healthcare is a fucking myth. The point is, we played hockey in the blazing sun, pouring rain, snow, and everything in between. We bled. Hell some of us lost our baby teeth on the concrete rink. All with absolutely no fear of getting our clothes dirty if it rained.
And if you don't like hockey, try football. Ever see a football game get rained out? Check out ESPN every once in awhile for their list of the ten most dangerous football games, in which these guys played in blizzards and hurricanes. There's just as much danger of getting electrocuted on a football field as there is on a baseball diamond.
If you want a much better view on baseball, go hear what George Carlin had to say about it, but if you're too lazy, I'll condense it for you: BASEBALL IS FOR WHINY BITCHES. End of story.
Finally, country music. While ripping CDs and putting downloaded albums into my Zune (Yeah, I'm a high tech redneck), musicians like Shooter Jennings, Reckless Kelly, Cross Canadian Ragweed, Micky & the Motorcars, Handsome Family, and Hank Williams III were all classified as "alt country." What the fuck is alt country? I'm sick and goddamn tired of bullshit pop acts using Mexican-made guitars and Japanese drum machines to play songs written by the same assholes who write for Britney Spears winding up in the top ten on the country charts.
IT AINT COUNTRY. Since when did writing your own songs, working hard to play an instrument (if you think country is easy to play, give chicken-pickin a try, or sit in front of a pedal steel guitar and see how good you really are) and making your music known through relentless touring make a band alternative? This bothers me, because the bands I mentioned are going the way of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, George Jones, David Allen Coe, etc. What is Johnny Cash considered? Is he now an alternative to this top 40 twangy pop bullshit?
III is right - the Grand Ole Opry aint so grand anymore.
----------------
Now playing: Reckless Kelly - Seven Nights In Eire
via FoxyTunes
Saturday, October 27, 2007
If you're into raw cuisine, this ain't the place for you.
You want to hear something so arsed out that even I can't wrap my warped mind around it?
My entire family, with the exception of myself, my fiancee, and my mom, have started eating "raw cuisine." Just forget, if you can, how bad Thanksgiving is going to be this year, and try to focus on the fact that they are condemning us for not joining them.
So here's the story: My cousin (Spencer) has spent most of his life praying and obeying the words of wisdom Joseph Smith pulled out of his arse. I bet that fucker's still laughing. Now he has a stage 4 aggressive brain tumor and has been given two years to live, and that's with radiation therapy.
His older brother is on the diet (when he's around the rest of the family, that is), and he's so out of shape he can't walk up half a flight of stairs without hanging onto the rail and gasping for breath, and the same applies to the youngest of the three brothers. The eldest is 6'2" and weighs close to 400 pounds, the youngest, 5'6" and 250+, the middle, 5'8" and 333 (the doctors keep us posted on his weight due to radiation), and none of the extra weight is muscle. Their wives are in no better shape, either, especially the middle son's (the one with cancer, just to avoid confusion), who is a whopping 5'3" and well over 300 pounds. Her knees don't bend. When she sits on a couch, her legs stick out like a baby's arms. She can't walk down a flight of stairs without gasping for air.
No one on this goddamn diet is in any shape and they've been living healthy all their lives. Not eating healthy, mind you, since they didn't get fat eating bean sprouts and shooting wheat grass. No drinking. No smoking. No fucking caffeine. I can go on about how tall they are, how much they weigh, and how unhealthy they are, but I think you get my point.
While at Spencer's house not too long ago, they all tried to get me to do a shot of wheat grass with them. I refused, and of course I got jumped. Much like back in third grade when damn near every black kid in school picked on the skinny little Irish fuck, I held my own. I called them out on their bad habits. I told them that they're not going to undo years of damage, or cure cancer, with a crash course in raw veganism. By the way, from what I can tell, the woman who wrote the book that changed their lives looks like wet leather stretched and dried over a fence post. Yeah, I want to take advice from a skeleton with skin. I'd rather go on a zombie diet. At least then I don't need to think of creative ways to get protein (insert cum joke here).
I'm not going to go into my mom's health because she has a lot of problems due to her age (and a brown recluse bite on her leg), but my fiancee and I both have high-stress jobs. We drink like the Micks we are. We have horrible eating habits because of our jobs. We sleep like crackwhores because of our hours. Would you like to know the biggest problems we have? Nerve deafness from birth, and bad knees from hockey, respectively.
We can both work circles around anyone in the family and I'm pretty sure we're gonna outlive the rest of them (and that's not a cancer joke, so I'd appreciate it if any cancer survivors and family members, etc. would not leave rude comments).
It's going to take something more life-altering than watching my brother-in-law throw up from a shot of wheat grass to get me to stop eating meat, so don't think preaching to me about animal cruelty is going to make me change my mind. Just do me a favor and respect the fact that I'm not dunking you in in cow entrails because you don't eat meat.
----------------
Now playing: Shooter Jennings - This Ol Wheel (Feat. Doug 'The Ragin' Cajun' Kershaw)
via FoxyTunes
My entire family, with the exception of myself, my fiancee, and my mom, have started eating "raw cuisine." Just forget, if you can, how bad Thanksgiving is going to be this year, and try to focus on the fact that they are condemning us for not joining them.
So here's the story: My cousin (Spencer) has spent most of his life praying and obeying the words of wisdom Joseph Smith pulled out of his arse. I bet that fucker's still laughing. Now he has a stage 4 aggressive brain tumor and has been given two years to live, and that's with radiation therapy.
His older brother is on the diet (when he's around the rest of the family, that is), and he's so out of shape he can't walk up half a flight of stairs without hanging onto the rail and gasping for breath, and the same applies to the youngest of the three brothers. The eldest is 6'2" and weighs close to 400 pounds, the youngest, 5'6" and 250+, the middle, 5'8" and 333 (the doctors keep us posted on his weight due to radiation), and none of the extra weight is muscle. Their wives are in no better shape, either, especially the middle son's (the one with cancer, just to avoid confusion), who is a whopping 5'3" and well over 300 pounds. Her knees don't bend. When she sits on a couch, her legs stick out like a baby's arms. She can't walk down a flight of stairs without gasping for air.
No one on this goddamn diet is in any shape and they've been living healthy all their lives. Not eating healthy, mind you, since they didn't get fat eating bean sprouts and shooting wheat grass. No drinking. No smoking. No fucking caffeine. I can go on about how tall they are, how much they weigh, and how unhealthy they are, but I think you get my point.
While at Spencer's house not too long ago, they all tried to get me to do a shot of wheat grass with them. I refused, and of course I got jumped. Much like back in third grade when damn near every black kid in school picked on the skinny little Irish fuck, I held my own. I called them out on their bad habits. I told them that they're not going to undo years of damage, or cure cancer, with a crash course in raw veganism. By the way, from what I can tell, the woman who wrote the book that changed their lives looks like wet leather stretched and dried over a fence post. Yeah, I want to take advice from a skeleton with skin. I'd rather go on a zombie diet. At least then I don't need to think of creative ways to get protein (insert cum joke here).
I'm not going to go into my mom's health because she has a lot of problems due to her age (and a brown recluse bite on her leg), but my fiancee and I both have high-stress jobs. We drink like the Micks we are. We have horrible eating habits because of our jobs. We sleep like crackwhores because of our hours. Would you like to know the biggest problems we have? Nerve deafness from birth, and bad knees from hockey, respectively.
We can both work circles around anyone in the family and I'm pretty sure we're gonna outlive the rest of them (and that's not a cancer joke, so I'd appreciate it if any cancer survivors and family members, etc. would not leave rude comments).
It's going to take something more life-altering than watching my brother-in-law throw up from a shot of wheat grass to get me to stop eating meat, so don't think preaching to me about animal cruelty is going to make me change my mind. Just do me a favor and respect the fact that I'm not dunking you in in cow entrails because you don't eat meat.
----------------
Now playing: Shooter Jennings - This Ol Wheel (Feat. Doug 'The Ragin' Cajun' Kershaw)
via FoxyTunes
Saturday, October 6, 2007
The one where I shatter your useless testicles.
As I've said before, one of my favorite thing is cooking. One of my least favorite things, as you should fucking well know, is bullshit in any form. I go to a Culinary Arts technical school. Some folks there are like I am; they want to cook and for whatever circumstance, whether it be finances, location, family issues, etc., can't go to a decent school with a good reputation. Most of the fuckers there, however, are there because they can't do anything else. For example, their guidance counselors, sometimes court-appointed, will ask "what's your favorite thing?" And the student-to-be will respond with something like "cherry pie" or "fried chicken and biscuits" and the counselor, gleefully, will exclaim, "you must want to be a cook!" before moving on to the next contributing member of society and make a similar diagnosis regarding people who like reading Hustler and cosmetology.
Some of the latter are in the kitchen I'm studying in now. One asshole in particular, I'll call him "Crisco" since he not only uses it in every recipe, he looks like if I were to punch him in the face, my fist would slide off because of the grease content of his skin, can't fucking cook. Every single thing he touches turns to shit. I can't stress just how much he fucks up. He doesn't know how to make caramel, and anyone who knows even the basics of baking or desserts knows how to fucking make caramel.
But he's not content with fucking his own food up and failing the class; he insists on fucking everyone else's projects up. He will try to make sure no one's looking and punch all the air out of someone's proofing bread dough. He'll turn the fan in the convection oven on high when someone puts a cake in to the batter gets blown to shit. He'll sneak drops of food coloring in to make a pretty green into a baby-shit brown.
Here's my personal favorite: The school has an 800-pound floor mixer
used for making very large quantities of bread dough. I learned the hard way that it malfunctions and sometimes turns itself back on briefly and does a few revs around the bowl. This happened the other day to me while I was making doughnuts and pinned my hand between the hook and the mixer when I was scraping the bowl down. Note: Don't call me a moron for this because scraping the bowl down is necessary; now I just turn the mixer at the breaker before I do since I had to go to the emergency room because everyone who saw it thought my hand was broken. I'm surprised it wasn't. Had the mixer been on a higher speed or done a few more revs around, my hand would have been shattered. Anyway...back to Crisco.
In my rush to the hospital, I left my thermometer there. I got back the next day to find out that my thermometer had been shattered. I thought someone had dropped it, which would have been an honest mistake. A few witnesses told me that Crisco saw it and started slamming it against the table until it was in pieces. I confronted him about it and asked him if he planned on paying me for the thermometer he shattered for the fuck of it. He got a deer-in-headlights look and said "what thermometer?" I kicked him in the balls so hard he will be tasting his own jizz for a month. I hope to Christ I made him useless to a woman. Or a man. He threw up on the sidewalk and I walked away. He hasn't been at school since.
So I have some advice for you: If you're tired of someone else's bullshit, do something about it. I'm not telling you to shatter someone's nuts because you can get in serious trouble for that and you're probably stupid enough to try to sue me for it. What I am saying is there are always measures you can take to put someone in their place, no matter how extreme.
----------------
Now playing: Gogol Bordello - Think Locally Fuck Globally
via FoxyTunes
Some of the latter are in the kitchen I'm studying in now. One asshole in particular, I'll call him "Crisco" since he not only uses it in every recipe, he looks like if I were to punch him in the face, my fist would slide off because of the grease content of his skin, can't fucking cook. Every single thing he touches turns to shit. I can't stress just how much he fucks up. He doesn't know how to make caramel, and anyone who knows even the basics of baking or desserts knows how to fucking make caramel.
But he's not content with fucking his own food up and failing the class; he insists on fucking everyone else's projects up. He will try to make sure no one's looking and punch all the air out of someone's proofing bread dough. He'll turn the fan in the convection oven on high when someone puts a cake in to the batter gets blown to shit. He'll sneak drops of food coloring in to make a pretty green into a baby-shit brown.
Here's my personal favorite: The school has an 800-pound floor mixer
used for making very large quantities of bread dough. I learned the hard way that it malfunctions and sometimes turns itself back on briefly and does a few revs around the bowl. This happened the other day to me while I was making doughnuts and pinned my hand between the hook and the mixer when I was scraping the bowl down. Note: Don't call me a moron for this because scraping the bowl down is necessary; now I just turn the mixer at the breaker before I do since I had to go to the emergency room because everyone who saw it thought my hand was broken. I'm surprised it wasn't. Had the mixer been on a higher speed or done a few more revs around, my hand would have been shattered. Anyway...back to Crisco.
In my rush to the hospital, I left my thermometer there. I got back the next day to find out that my thermometer had been shattered. I thought someone had dropped it, which would have been an honest mistake. A few witnesses told me that Crisco saw it and started slamming it against the table until it was in pieces. I confronted him about it and asked him if he planned on paying me for the thermometer he shattered for the fuck of it. He got a deer-in-headlights look and said "what thermometer?" I kicked him in the balls so hard he will be tasting his own jizz for a month. I hope to Christ I made him useless to a woman. Or a man. He threw up on the sidewalk and I walked away. He hasn't been at school since.
So I have some advice for you: If you're tired of someone else's bullshit, do something about it. I'm not telling you to shatter someone's nuts because you can get in serious trouble for that and you're probably stupid enough to try to sue me for it. What I am saying is there are always measures you can take to put someone in their place, no matter how extreme.
----------------
Now playing: Gogol Bordello - Think Locally Fuck Globally
via FoxyTunes
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
The one where I taze you, bro.
I'm sick and goddamn tired of everyone making a huge deal about that dumb shit who got tazed at University of Florida. You know why? Because he fucked things up.
I know John Kerry is a dirtbag and I'd like to think you know it too, but I think you're too dumb, or just too stubborn to admit it.
That jackass was asking legitimate questions the deserved answers, and Kerry was beingan asshole himself and bullshitting his way out of answering, and instead of quietly sitting down, he got himself shocked, and he deserved it; if not for his unnecessary disturbance, then for being a fucking moron.
I'll be the first to say that if being an obnoxious jackass was an offense punishable by taser I would have been stunned so many times my ass would blast lightning every time I farted. But he did more than be an obnoxious jackass. If he just sat down, everyone would have wondered why John Kerry didn't just answer the goddamn questions, proving once and for all that Kerry is a ketchup-sucking scumbag who doesn't deserve anything he has.
I was part of a discussion with a few people today over why Bush is a good/shitty president and what would have happened if Kerry had won, and my stance remains the same: You assholes should have voted for me. Granted, I wasn't on the ballot and none of you even know who the hell I am anyway but I would do what needs to be done.
One person said that Bush did a good job with Iraq because we need to play mind games with the world; I agree, to a point. Another said Kerry would have scared our enemies shitless because he already scares most Americans.
Here's my thoughts, and if you keep reading this crap you must want to know what I'm thinking: Bush didn't need to invade/occupy Iraq and John Kerry is too much of a shitstain to do anything to another country, threatening or not.
Everyone will tell you that the news is untrue, to go to "real sites" to find the truth, which is that Bush sucks, that he's getting paid in ways no one can imagine for this, and so on.
Well the truth is, and this is what troops fresh from the Middle East have said: They want to slit your throat for having blue eyes. That's not the racist scumbags talking, either, and they aren't just referring to the extremists or the zealots.
They've all said the same thing: That they're doing a good thing for the people there, but that they're doing it the wrong way. I agree with my friend who said that Bush is doing the right thing by attacking Iraq to play a mind game with everyone who would fuck with us, but rather than sending troops there to occupy and fix whatever problems that will resurface as soon as American troops leave, the goddamn place should have been carpet-bombed.
Don't nuke it. We need the oil. Carpet bomb it and wipe every motherfucker out. Then we have a parking lot, oil, and the heat would turn some of the sand into glass which we can use to repair homes of Katrina victims. You think that wouldn't fuck with everyone else? Psychological warfare is great and all that, but if you go read up on the Cold War all you'll find out is that both countries lived in fear for awhile before learning that nothing would happen. Occupying a country isn't a way to fuck with anyone else because they can just as easily do the same to us without us even knowing. That would do a lot more damage.
So how did I go from the "Don't tase me, bro!" guy to a political rant? Well, I'm not sure but here's my point: He sucks, Kerry sucks, Bush sucks, Hillary Clinton sucks, Bill Clinton sucks, Barak Obama sucks, anyone else running will suck, Iraq sucks, and you're either gonna love me or call me an unbelievable asshole for this post, and you suck either way.
Goodnight everybody!
----------------
Now playing: Acid Bath - Dr. Seuss is Dead
via FoxyTunes
I know John Kerry is a dirtbag and I'd like to think you know it too, but I think you're too dumb, or just too stubborn to admit it.
That jackass was asking legitimate questions the deserved answers, and Kerry was being
I'll be the first to say that if being an obnoxious jackass was an offense punishable by taser I would have been stunned so many times my ass would blast lightning every time I farted. But he did more than be an obnoxious jackass. If he just sat down, everyone would have wondered why John Kerry didn't just answer the goddamn questions, proving once and for all that Kerry is a ketchup-sucking scumbag who doesn't deserve anything he has.
I was part of a discussion with a few people today over why Bush is a good/shitty president and what would have happened if Kerry had won, and my stance remains the same: You assholes should have voted for me. Granted, I wasn't on the ballot and none of you even know who the hell I am anyway but I would do what needs to be done.
One person said that Bush did a good job with Iraq because we need to play mind games with the world; I agree, to a point. Another said Kerry would have scared our enemies shitless because he already scares most Americans.
Here's my thoughts, and if you keep reading this crap you must want to know what I'm thinking: Bush didn't need to invade/occupy Iraq and John Kerry is too much of a shitstain to do anything to another country, threatening or not.
Everyone will tell you that the news is untrue, to go to "real sites" to find the truth, which is that Bush sucks, that he's getting paid in ways no one can imagine for this, and so on.
Well the truth is, and this is what troops fresh from the Middle East have said: They want to slit your throat for having blue eyes. That's not the racist scumbags talking, either, and they aren't just referring to the extremists or the zealots.
They've all said the same thing: That they're doing a good thing for the people there, but that they're doing it the wrong way. I agree with my friend who said that Bush is doing the right thing by attacking Iraq to play a mind game with everyone who would fuck with us, but rather than sending troops there to occupy and fix whatever problems that will resurface as soon as American troops leave, the goddamn place should have been carpet-bombed.
Don't nuke it. We need the oil. Carpet bomb it and wipe every motherfucker out. Then we have a parking lot, oil, and the heat would turn some of the sand into glass which we can use to repair homes of Katrina victims. You think that wouldn't fuck with everyone else? Psychological warfare is great and all that, but if you go read up on the Cold War all you'll find out is that both countries lived in fear for awhile before learning that nothing would happen. Occupying a country isn't a way to fuck with anyone else because they can just as easily do the same to us without us even knowing. That would do a lot more damage.
So how did I go from the "Don't tase me, bro!" guy to a political rant? Well, I'm not sure but here's my point: He sucks, Kerry sucks, Bush sucks, Hillary Clinton sucks, Bill Clinton sucks, Barak Obama sucks, anyone else running will suck, Iraq sucks, and you're either gonna love me or call me an unbelievable asshole for this post, and you suck either way.
Goodnight everybody!
----------------
Now playing: Acid Bath - Dr. Seuss is Dead
via FoxyTunes
Saturday, September 22, 2007
The one where everyone realizes The Sims is a load of shit.
In addition to cooking, which you might have read in my last post, I also love video games. I will pwn your ass at almost any game in the Mario series (Excluding the ones past Mario 64 because I still can't get the hang of that goddamn N64 thumb stick). I know every move in the Street Fighter series, every Mortal Kombat fatality, how to kill the Weapons in Final Fantasy VII, and I think I know damn near every game which utilizes the Konami Code. I beat The Legend of Zelda before I could walk. Not really, but pat yourself on the back if you get that reference.
Granted, there are games I'll never play, some by circumstance, some by choice. One of the games that falls into the latter category is The Sims. I have a message for everyone who plays it:
GET A FUCKING LIFE.
This isn't anything against the younger folks who play it; you can't help it. You can't legally get a job or start a family without pulling way too many strings, so you can stop reading here and continue sitting with the wife you'll never meet in the hot tub you'll never own that sits on the porch you'll never build.
To the rest of you, particularly those who sit on your fat arses eating Doritos and jacking off, wondering why your dick is orange, whining about how you hate your bitch tits, while spending all your goddamn time playing a game where your character has to get a life: Kill yourself.
Why the fuck are you playing a game where you force your character to get a life, get a job, start a relationship, raise a family, and get a dog? Why don't you just tell your mom you'll be back in a little while so you can get all that started? Scared of sunlight? Have an anxiety disorder? Or are you the fucking Elephant Man? There must be some reason you're in your 30's and still playing life-simulator games.
The reason a lot of people play video games is because they want to do something they're unable to do. They want to play hockey, tear someone's head off, or steal a car and do a drive-by in a rich neighborhood. Some people play because it's fun to do something you could never, ever do in real life, like eat shrooms and stomp turtles or, well, steal a car and do a drive-by in a rich neighborhood.
I think I just figured you Sims fuckers out. You want to do something you could never do in real life, like have sex with someone other than yourself. Or leave your house.
The only advice I can offer is to stop spending hours trying to get the nude patches to work and go find a real human to interact with. Who knows, your new friend might even have a dog you can help to take care of.
----------------
Now playing: Trivium - Master Of Puppets
via FoxyTunes
Granted, there are games I'll never play, some by circumstance, some by choice. One of the games that falls into the latter category is The Sims. I have a message for everyone who plays it:
GET A FUCKING LIFE.
This isn't anything against the younger folks who play it; you can't help it. You can't legally get a job or start a family without pulling way too many strings, so you can stop reading here and continue sitting with the wife you'll never meet in the hot tub you'll never own that sits on the porch you'll never build.
To the rest of you, particularly those who sit on your fat arses eating Doritos and jacking off, wondering why your dick is orange, whining about how you hate your bitch tits, while spending all your goddamn time playing a game where your character has to get a life: Kill yourself.
Why the fuck are you playing a game where you force your character to get a life, get a job, start a relationship, raise a family, and get a dog? Why don't you just tell your mom you'll be back in a little while so you can get all that started? Scared of sunlight? Have an anxiety disorder? Or are you the fucking Elephant Man? There must be some reason you're in your 30's and still playing life-simulator games.
The reason a lot of people play video games is because they want to do something they're unable to do. They want to play hockey, tear someone's head off, or steal a car and do a drive-by in a rich neighborhood. Some people play because it's fun to do something you could never, ever do in real life, like eat shrooms and stomp turtles or, well, steal a car and do a drive-by in a rich neighborhood.
I think I just figured you Sims fuckers out. You want to do something you could never do in real life, like have sex with someone other than yourself. Or leave your house.
The only advice I can offer is to stop spending hours trying to get the nude patches to work and go find a real human to interact with. Who knows, your new friend might even have a dog you can help to take care of.
----------------
Now playing: Trivium - Master Of Puppets
via FoxyTunes
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